


The Enterprise Manual to Good Living

by popoyoy11



Series: rules, rules [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Humor, M/M, Pining, Pre-Slash, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-27 11:01:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7615462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/popoyoy11/pseuds/popoyoy11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I don’t mean Starfleet regulation, Ensign. I’m talking about the unspoken holy testament that everybody on the ship knows to uphold.” The pilot says, using his hand to emphasize his point. “It’s our bible, Ensign. Our beautiful non verbis pacta that was created for the sole purpose of living here peacefully.”</p><p>“O…kay?”</p><p>“Okay.” Lt. Sulu grins. “First rule: Do Not Fall in Love with James T. Kirk.”</p><p>Read the rules, guys, come on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Enterprise Manual to Good Living

**Author's Note:**

> First of all this really self-indulgent fic was first thought up when [pissedofsandwich](http://archiveofourown.org/users/pissedofsandwich/pseuds/pissedofsandwich/works) came to my house and we started marathoning Star Trek together. The idea was finished in an ice cream shop, so it's going to be bit of a wild ride. Second of all, go check out her fic [little dumpling](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7608697) it's a really beautiful feels-y fic about the Sulus that will satisfy your need for some hurt/comfort. Also many thanks to her for repeatedly reminding (yelling at) me to post this fic. Enjoy!

Ensign Nicholas stares at the glass of green liquid in front of him suspiciously. He chances a glance at his superior officer in front of him and wonders how in the hell he manages to be smiling after last night’s _trainwreck_. It’s the best word he has to describe last night.

Boy, could the Enterprise crew _party_.

Lt. Sulu pushes the glass further towards him. “Drink up, kid, we need to talk.”

The young ensign wants to politely refuse, but what comes out is a groan when his headache comes back _twice_ as bad as before. He buries his face back in his hands.

“This is a special remedy I made myself, with Commander Spock’s approval of course. People would kill for this, c’mon.”

Nicholas raises his head _very slowly_. He regrets ever accepting that first drink from Gaila. He takes the glass and raises it to his nose, sniffing at the contents.

Across him Lt. Sulu rolls his eyes. Nicholas grins sheepishly and chugs the drink in one go. By now you’d think he’d know better than to trust one of the alpha shift bridge crew on things involving _drinking_. But he saw Ensign Chekov toss back that green goop earlier like it’s water and walk out of the mess hall whistling, so.

It’s not like it could get any worse.

He’s pleasantly surprised when it doesn’t taste disgusting. It’s rather grassy, with a hint of lemon in it. Nicholas makes an approving hum at the back of his throat, setting the empty glass on the table.

The effect is instantaneous, his headache subsides and he feels more alert than he has been in the last three days.

“Whoa,” he says in awe.

“Right?” Lt. Sulu replies, grinning. “It’ll take the edge off for about six hours, after that you’ll feel like death. When you go to Medbay don’t tell dr. McCoy that you drank this, just tell him it’s stomach flu or something.”

Nicholas gapes. “What,” he chokes out. “Sir.”

“Oh, why so formal? I thought you’ve started, Hikaru.” Ensign Chekov slides in beside the helmsman, handing Nicholas an apple.

“Nah, he got the chills from the Remedy,” Lt. Sulu answers, “did you get that from my garden?” his eyes flick back and forth between Chekov and the apple Nicholas is holding.

Ensign Chekov grins boyishly at the older man. Nicholas puts the apple warily on the table.

Lt. Sulu sighs. “Right,” he says, “anyway, feeling better?”

Nicholas nods. “Um, yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”

“Good. How long have you been with the Enterprise, Nicholas?” Lt. Sulu inquires at him, suddenly taking a serious tone.

Nicholas squares his shoulders, posture straightening under Lt. Sulu’s gaze. “Ninety-two days, sir.”

“Three months?” Ensign Chekov raises an eyebrow at him. “And no one’s given you the Talk, yet?”

“We were busy with the Tanexeians, remember?” Lt. Sulu reminds the younger man.

“Ah, right. Well, continue then, Hikaru.”

Lt. Sulu steeples his fingers together, taking a deep breath. Nicholas feels something akin to apprehension screaming at the back of his mind.

“We usually give these talks in batches. But since you’re our first transfer in a year or so, you’re having the pleasure of receiving this Talk personally,” Lt. Sulu says. Next to him Ensign Chekov nods enthusiastically, curls bouncing as he does.

Nicholas blinks.

“You see, if you want to survive more than half a year aboard the Enterprise, you have to follow some… _rules._ ”

“Rules, sir?” Nicholas interrupts.

“I don’t mean Starfleet regulation, Ensign. I’m talking about the _unspoken holy testament_ that everybody on the ship knows to uphold.” The pilot says, using his hand to emphasize his point. “It’s our _bible_ , Ensign. Our beautiful _non verbis pacta_ that was created for the sole purpose of living here peacefully.”

“O…kay?”

“Okay.” Lt. Sulu grins. “First rule: Do Not Fall in Love with James T. Kirk.”

Nicholas barks out a slightly hysterical laugh.

“What, sir?” he manages out.

Ensign Chekov cuts in. “You see, Ensign,” the Russian intones, his accent still as thick as ever, “the good Captain has a certain… thing about him that makes new recruits fall in love with him in a snap.” He snaps his fingers to make the point. “Maybe it is his charm, yes? Or maybe his hair, or just his overall Kirk-ness, but it is very lethal. You know what I’m talking about, right?”

Nicholas doesn’t know how to answer that. He’s certainly noticed Captain Kirk’s unique traits. He was always told that Captains can be a little condescending to the new recruits. He was warned that Captain Kirk might be a little arrogant, reckless, a Casanova, a bit of a cocky bastard, perhaps.

But during his three months stay in the ship, he finds that those traits aren’t a hundred percent correct. Well he _is_ certainly arrogant, a lot reckless, too. But there’s just this aura around him that pull people to him. A gravitational effect that Nicholas experienced first-hand when the Captain had welcomed Nicholas himself to the ship with a charming smile. It’s not his words, those are just amplifiers. It’s his mannerisms, his quirks. The way he’s so loyal to his crew and his friends. The no-man-left-behind policy that had almost gotten them killed in that first mission (Tanexeeians, man, those things are _weird)_ the Enterprise undertook with Nicholas in it. His ship-wide walks and his ability to hold his own against world leaders and diplomats. Not to mention the blue in his eyes that has got to be outside of the known colour spectrum. The way the corners would crinkle when he smiles and—

Now that he thinks about it, Nicholas can certainly see why impressionable young minds would fall in love with the Captain in a _snap._

He nods hesitantly. “I think I know what you mean by that, sir.”

“Which brings us to the second rule,” Lt. Sulu follows. “If You Did Fall in Love Anyway, It’s Okay, Walk It Off.”

“I’m sorry?”

“You see, Ensign, we figured that giving you new-comers a warning isn’t just going to magically stop you from falling in love with Kirk,” Lt. Sulu says, “so we’re giving you an advice on _how_ to deal with it if it _does_ happen. Walk it off, seriously,” he continues. “It’s not real. It’s just his _Kirkness_ doing its thing. You don’t need to declare it with a poem, or a sonnet.”

“Or a mating challenge to the death,” Ensign Chekov adds.

Lt. Sulu nods. “Or in one memorable moment, a living robotic statue. It’ll disappear eventually, trust me.”

Nicholas can’t believe this is happening. Is this some kind of prank? Lt. Sulu and Ensign Chekov are known for pranking new officers. He’d been warned by Syl the first time he came on board.

He wants to ask but he’s afraid he might come off as rude, so he listens to them, chooses to wait on how it would play out in the end.

“Okay?” Nicholas agrees hesitantly.

“Good, now for the rest of it…” Lt. Sulu begins.

The next hour is one of the most unreal moments of Nicholas’ life. Lt. Hikaru Sulu, helmsman of the Enterprise, hero of the Narada Incident, lists off a bunch of _things_ that can only be described as _bat-shit insane._

“Rule number five, do _not_ get in a game of truth or dare with the alpha shift bridge crew.”

“Number eight, if Kirk asks you to lie to dr. McCoy about something. Don’t do it. Let him go down in a blaze, seriously, he probably needs it.”

“Do not, under any circumstances, try to out-sass Commander Spock. You cannot out-sass Spock. Spock is the master of sass, if you go against him in a sass competition, you _will_ die.”

At one point Sulu asks Chekov (he’s resorted to just calling them by their last names because he’s lost some respect but gained some kind of weird fondness to these two people) to fetch him another apple from his artificial garden. When the Russian is out of earshot, he whispers to Nicholas. “Number eleven, don’t accept _any_ drink from Pasha if you want your liver to make it out alive at the end of this five-year mission.”

Nicholas can only nod mutely.

Seriously, what is wrong with these people? _Don’t stop Kirk when he’s storming out of the bridge, it’s probably something Spock related._ What? _Join the Spock-Kirk betting pool, it’s a must._ Why is that even a _rule_? Why do these rules exist? Why are half of it about the Captain and the Commander?

When they hit the half-hour mark dr. McCoy slides in next to Nicholas.

“What’s this then? Having a little intervention with the newbie?” his southern-drawl falls easily into their conversation.

The Ensign, slack-jawed, horrified by the most recent ‘ _rule’_ Sulu just said, doesn’t reply.

_In case of a sex pollen situation. Orgies usually ensue. If you don’t want to participate you should go to the Med Bay. If you do want to participate, however, It’s usually in the rec room._

“Yeah,” Sulu answers happily. _Happily_.

Chekov waves him off. “He’s just a bit shocked from the nineteenth rule, doctor.”

“Is it the sex pollen one?” dr. McCoy asks, waving his hand in front of the frozen Ensign.

Sulu gives him a sympathetic look. “Yeah.”

McCoy laughs. “Hey it’s okay, kid. The Med Bay is a safe haven when outbreaks happen,” he drawls. “Did you tell him the ones about _you_ yet?”

Sulu looks offended. “There aren’t any rules about _me.”_

Next to him Chekov snorts. “You wish, Hikaru, you wish.”

McCoy rolls his eyes, placing a hand on Nicholas’ shoulder. “Look, kid, don’t ever get Sulu here talking about her daughter. He won’t stop. I mean, I got one of my own right back home with my ex-wife but you don’t see me running around shoving her holo to everything that breathes.”

“Also, don’t bother Hikaru’s plants,” Chekov chirps in.

“The man is as protective of his plants as a mother hen to her chicks,” McCoy agrees.

“It would do you very good to not the Captain and/or Hikaru challenges or dares,” Chekov says, “they are needlessly competitive, they will stop at nothing to beat you and each other.” He levels Nicholas with a very serious look.

Nicholas lets out a noise that’s somewhere between agreement, hysterical, and indignation.

“Pasha,” Sulu whines, eager to change the topic.

Chekov raises up his hands in surrender. “I’m just saying, Hikaru. Dr. McCoy agrees with me, doesn’t he?”

They all look to McCoy for confirmation, who nods and starts talking rapidly, his accent curving around the words. “Absolutely! You know how many bones I’ve had to set because these two idiots wanted to see who could _wind surf_ better or _test the new transporter by sky diving off a cliff_?”

Sulu looks down at his hands guiltily, a slight grimace on his face. McCoy shakes his head, muttering about ‘ _goddamn idiots tryna give me a heart attack every time’_ under his breath _._

Finally, Sulu speaks up. “So, any questions, thus far?”

Nicholas feels overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. He knew the Enterprise was another breed of people entirely. He was prepared for some violence when he applied to be posted here. But _this?_ This is too _freaky_ , even for him. He blinks, all of the information swimming behind his eyelids. He latches onto one that disturbs him the most and braves himself.

“What is the Pon Farr incident and why aren’t we allowed to talk about it?”

Chekov chokes on his drink.

“You told him about _that_? Are you crazy man?” McCoy’s eyes are so wide Nicholas feels like they’re about to bulge out of their sockets.

Sulu shrugs them off. “Don’t worry, I didn’t let him in on any details.” He sighs gravely. ”We just don’t. You’ll know one day.”

“Okay?”

“Okay, now we’re down to the most important rule of all.”

Nicholas feels like cackling maniacally, there’s _more?_

“Rule twenty-three,” Sulu starts, “there is going to be a time when you’re alone with only the Captain and the Commander as your company. When you do, you’re going to feel some very tangible _tension_ in the air. Whatever you do. Do not mention it. Do not speak of it. Do not _think_ it. Just don’t.”

The table is filled with Chekov’s hums of approval and McCoy’s mutterings.

“Well, not in their presence, at least,” Sulu adds hastily.

Nicholas gapes again, just as he’s about to say something, said Captain and Commander walks into the mess hall. Captain Kirk is talking, his face and hands active in whatever description he’s noting to the Commander. Commander Spock, however, is as calm as ever, eyebrows occasionally raising when he replies. They barely pay attention to the glances sent their way, it’s like they’re surrounded in a little bubble of their own. The Commander says something and Captain Kirk laughs, loud and bright. His hand comfortably going to rest on Commander Spock’s shoulder.

Suddenly one of the yeomen comes up to Commander Spock, asking for his signature on a document. The pair pauses, their bubble burst. The Vulcan takes the PADD from the yeoman to look over the document as the Captain’s hand falls back to his side. Captain Kirk gazes at Commander Spock, something soft in his eyes and the corners of his smile. Just as Commander Spock looks up Captain Kirk averts his eyes to Nicholas’s table, completely missing the way the Commander looks at him five beats longer than is necessary.

How did Nicholas miss this?

Captain Kirk waves at them, megawatt grin in place as he strides over. Commander Spock is a couple of paces behind him, walking calmly with his hands clasped behind his back, having dismissed the yeoman with a curt nod.

Beside Nicholas, McCoy shakes his head, Sulu stares at the pair and sighs exasperatedly. “You get what I mean?”

Nicholas closes his mouth and nods. “Yeah, totally.”

“Hey guys, what’s going on?” Captain Kirk greets them.

“Nothing, sir,” Nicholas replies drily. “Nothing at all.”

**Author's Note:**

> Now how was that, huh? Bad? Not bad? Let me know with a comment below! ;) (heheh that rhymes) 
> 
> Talk Star Trek to me on my [tumblr](http://p-p-poy.tumblr.com/)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Princev's Starlog](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9552845) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account)




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